When do you give things up ?
I just find it hard when I feel trapped. 
I feel like he doesn’t get me and he never will.. In a way I feel like his judging me for doing things differently. The thing is, him judging my hair or clothes choice is him judge in the real me. The real me is scared to come out because of what his going to say. When we were broken up and I wore a bindi to go and meet him straight away he was like “why are you wear a bindi for” Seriously let me do my thing without it being an issues. Its pissing me off. The strange thing is I wore it and I didn’t care thta I was wearing it to meet him because all of a sudden I felt free from his judgment. He told me he doesn’t find nose piecing attractive; that’s fine, but with him its a issue and I felt like it would make him think I wasn’t attractive. 


There is a certain amount of love and support I get from family. I guess I just need to to love me no matter what. He would be embarrassed probably to walk around with me if I dyed my hair crazy colors. You need to be on someone’s arms that is proud to have you there no matter what. 

I just feel a little attacked I guess. 

It’s fine not being able to love.                                                                           It’s not fine to stop others loving you though.

That night puppets were made, they told many stories of love and enchantment. The way that love matched people together and kept them there like hands and soap. Voices of reason were heard “You can love if you try, when it happens you will know”.

There was still happiness in feeling loveless.

I finished watching ‘Paper Heart’.

It made me want to love Jarred forever. In a weird way, it showed me that some people don’t find love easily. They find it hard to keep it…. to let people in. I’m blessed to have my ying. At this age no-one has anything to stand for anymore. I want to make something for myself, make something of my life. I want to do it all with him by my side and holding my hand and telling me we have God on ourside when I start to forget. 

Sometimes I image when we’re married. I image me sitting there on the floor making a rug….  creating. Him playing his guitar, sitting in a vest- talking about his work to me. Then He’ll come and sit next to me and tell me about his day. I’d sit there, interested and I’d stop what I was doing and just listen to him. Taking in every details storing them in my head; remember important things he said. Then he puts his arm around me and we just sit there, enjoying the silence. Happy&Content with our life.

Is it normal, to have such a vivid image of something that hasn’t happened and may potentially never happen?

I would marry him tonight. If I was making money, I would marry him tonight. We could move out. Wake up together, eat together and just generally get crazy. But tonight, the thought of love will keep me awake.

I was going to write about ‘imitating other people’s love imprint’.
I was going to talk about it being okay, if your head doesn’t fit perfectly in that gap between his shoulder and neck. It’s okay if you don’t take the cutest pictures. It’s okay if you don’t eat,live and breath the same things.

I decided not to write it. I had an amazing day with my boyfriend I haven’t been that happy in a while. I went back to his house.. then all of sudden he was in a mood.It just brings my mood down. It’s a regular situation. It raises the question can I deal with this for the rest of my life?

Recently I haven’t been feeling too good, mostly feeling like I’m not good enough.

But just when you’re getting to that point of giving up or about to drown in despair, for me God just whisperes his small voice through someone, and you remember life is a blessing, to wake up each morning is a blessing. “Every breath we’re taking in, shows that God’s grace is still in man” A lyrics from a song that my cousin reminded me of, it really does just show you that God’s grace is upon you and everything you do.

I’m getting better at surrendering things, but I know I still have a long way to go. When I talk to my cousin, she always shows me that God is here and she makes me question what I should be doing. Right now she has given me a book about creativity, and how to actually execute your idea’s (because I’m full of idea’s) not just leaving them in your mind till they decay or procrastinate until its too late. So I’m here reading and thinking, so I decided to write something on here, because recently if I haven’t been productive I’ve been creative… I know, where’s the logic? Well here it is, I don’t want to be creatively dead. So I keep my mind active and alive by doing small creative things, doodling, drawing (badly), taking pictures, singing and reading (attempting).

So I just think we need to fill our lungs, execute idea’s and look more to God and not ourselves.

I think it takes a decent person, to own up and say sorry.

I know that in reality, God has plan for me, and all this will fade away, but I just wonder when. I just think when am I going to be happy?  When is God going to revel what I need to know to me? I just feel like I’m just here, doing nothing… just living without knowing my purpose. 

I just feel terrible, awfully horrid right now. I’m not actually a person who is down all the time, but writing this blog, I have noticed that when I get home all the enjoyment I have had in the day stops and I just get into this bedroom of mine that I actually can’t stand and I just start to develop these dips of sadness, and they are just horrid. I have God in my life, but the times when I didn’t know him that well are the times when I felt like this, but it’s just a little different this time, because I can hear his voice in my head saying “Get out of that slumber” but sometimes I just don’t know how too.

I had such a great time, at my Grandpa’s 80th birthday meal. It was nice to see all my family again. However just as our family are all getting along it ends in tears as usual, typical Ingram style. But besides that I really enjoyed my time with them.

Today on the other hand, has kind of taken a turn for the worse. My mind had to actually focus on the future. I kind of realised, that actually I don’t have a solid plan for anything in my future, not university, drama school.Nothing. 

I wish I could write something happier, I really do. But my dips of sadness are coming back. I don’t know how me and Jarred are going to continue our relationship either, because he doesn’t cope very well with not seeing me and being apart so much. I mean I feel the same way but I just have to try and focus on what I need to do in my life and attempt to keep him happy, which I don’t think I do very well. Honestly I think I am better off having him than he is having me sometimes.

No-one really notices my dips in sadness. That makes it even worse though, because then I just feel like I’m really unhappy and no-one really cares either. But I think that’s just where I am heading for the moment, until God lifts me up out of my state of depression.

My room, is in a constant mess. I just feel like it’s never tidy because I don’t have enough storage or space generally. Everyone moans at me about it, but when I actually get it tidy, ready for new things so I can maintain it, all the broken promises occur. Then it ends up looking like a bomb site  again. And this is the place I spend most of my time.

Everyone always openly tells me my failures and faults, about my forgetfulness, messiness and defensiveness. But never really take into account how I might feel about then cutting me open and showing everyone. Whatever I’m just going to stop drowning in my own self pity. 

It has taken a beautiful turn back to God.

I told myself last night that I would wake up early and read my bible. However my lazy, more interested in watching Pineapple Express self, ignored my three alarms this morning and slipped back into my coma like state. When I finally did emerge from my dreams it was 7:40am… I am ment to leave for education at 8:30am. Even though there was a lack of time I still read my Bible. 

For the first time in a long and hard few weeks, I felt focused and enjoyed my time with God. So because of this, I also decided to fast for a few hours.

It was just so amazing that reading my bible and fasting really focused me on God, and things that have important like my work. I have recently been praying for discipline too which is now coming into play.

Today I am actually going to keep focused on the things that really matter, so I am going to spend some time getting inspiration for my T-shirt design, and I’m going to keep writing on this blog, I need something to keep my sanity.

A fire burns in my belly,
It boils like a kettle, steaming allowing it’s heat to reach it’s climax.

But the grace makes me put a damp
Cloth on it, takes it out and release the heat in a cooler form.Controlled.

The fire is still there but we keep it to a minimum, with a fire extinguisher on hand. Just in case our self control slips, trips and busts his lip and in revenge decides to relight our fire with petrol.